Homeless Chronicles

this month i'm a gonna try to remember all the homeless people in my life
1. Aunt Flo
2. Car Kicker
3. dollafoaberah
4. Can I hold your Hand?
5. Ma'am, do you live in your car?

Ma'am, do you live in your car coming soon...

too hardcore for the big apple

i went to new york last year.

i went to new york last year a week from today.

i went to new york last year a week from today with my honduran friends.

i went to new york last year a week from today with my honduran friends and stayed with my friends chris and austin.

i went to new york last year a week from today with my honduran friends and stayed with my friends chris and austin and drank beers and played skip bo on their stoop in harlem.

i went to new york last year a week from today with my honduran friends and stayed with my friends chris and austin and drank beers and played skip bo on their stoop in harlem AND GOT A DERN CITATION FOR OPEN CONTAINER!!!

it was awesome. i went into the bathroom came out to be greeted by flashlights in my face. the cops were writing tickets for every beer and alcoholic beverage on the porch i tried to explain to the officer that in the south we could drink on our front porches. apparently the cop took that as a smart ass comment (me, smart ass...i know) and wrote us the damn ticket anyway. me, being the responsible person that i am, didnt pay the ticket out of defiance to law. a lot of good it did me, i promise.

today, as i smoked my preshow cigarette, i remembered the ticket and wondered, aloud, what the penalty would be now...a year later and what the consequence would be if returned to new york. "they couldnt find me, right?," i said to bruce, an actor in the show im working on and a fellow who lived a minute in new york. he informed me that

***this blog was a lost (and now found draft) that is being updated on 5 december 2009...and....GO!***

all of the computer systems were linked together. GREAT.

so to make a long story short...(TOO LATE) i made the trip successfully and didnt get in one stictch of trouble.

and to make a short story a little longer...i still have a warrant out for my arrest in the city of new york. pretty bad ass, right?

the fence was too short.

strangest dream ever.  

i was at a park.  there was a big water hole right in the middle of the park where everyone gathered around to hang out and goof around.  the place seemed really sad to me. not sure why, but there was some memory i associated with the dream watering hole that made me a little uneasy.  i was with a dream family.  my mom and my dad.  they seemed sad to.  all the sudden they were dropping me off at camp.  this camp seemed neat and fun until they gathered all the campers in a wooded area by the shed and i overheard words like "radiation gas,"  "experiment," "gas masks,"  and "clean up."  i had that dream sixth sense and i knew that the councelors  were getting ready to gas us with bombs that had the same effect as being exposed to uranium.  all i had to do was hold my breath long enough to run into the woods.  i dashed away (i love it that i can run forever in dreams) dodging the flailing arms of my gas masked keepers.  i ran in circles thru clouds gas until i finally made it to the front gate.  i ran and ran and then came to the park with the watering hole.  

now, my favorite part of dreams are the use of flashback devices....here it comes!

i was all the sudden watching the action in a  black and white world. my dream mom and dad we laughing and talking to eachother while my baby brother (who i didnt even remember) was playing to close to drained section of lake fell in and the water began to rise around him.  at the same time my older brother (who i didnt remember either)  was playing some strange dream game at the top of the hill with the guitar player, dave anderson, from the country music hall of fame and museum.   dave miscalculated his steps and step out of the way of my brother, who in turn couldnt catch himself and fell over the railing of the watering hole and disappeared into the murky water.   i told dave, who was in the present day, colorful world with me, "youre an asshole, no wonder i never liked like you."  he shrugged his shoulders and walked off into to the woods.  good thing he had a wireless amp.

susan, can i have another?

i love people watching.  there are quit a few places in nashville to people watch.  my favorites (past and present) are:

10.  opry mills mall 

9.  lifeway's main headquarters

8.  nashville zoo  

7.  the country music hall of fame and museum

6.  my house on a singstar night

5.  the dirty triad in murfreesboro

4.  centennial park arts festival

3.  ren fair (if i can stomach going)

2.  greer stadium

1.  OPRYLAND

today i will be speaking of my second favorite people watching spot:  greer stadium.  i realize that in my people watching i tend to judge rather harshly.  to counteract the guilt and bad karma that i summon from mean and snide comments about the folk that pass in front of me in the stadium, i like to imagine what people say about me.  "i think someone has been sipping from the koolaid twist."  or  "no, i think youre mistaken, thats YOUR girlfriend."  or even the ever shameful, yet elegant "get a load-a that dyke."   with that being said and (cross fingers) my karma protected for the time being im a gonna move on to the people watching observations.

some of my favorite highlights were:

-the funnel cake thug.  he had a smirk on his face that said either "im hot shit.  everyone loves funnel cakes.  i make this bright yellow shirt look GOOD,"  or "i stole this shirt and this funnel cake carry rack full of fresh, hot funnel cakes and im gonna get some damn TAIL!"

-the man that looked like our sangin' friend ryan in twenty years.  he went on many a beer run so we got many a good luck at him, but, like our sangin' friend ryan, was elusive to our attempts to capture him on the picture maker box.

-dietz's boyfriends:  the important security guy with moose knuckle, the sonic the hedgehog female impersonator, and the boy behind us that should have just taken off his shirt.

the best part of the evening were the girls we befriended, well, who befriended us.  we were standing in the extra long line for beer and a girl in front of us yelled "HAAAEY," as she struggled to stay standing.  amanda and i lost control and giggled because the hey that came out of the girl's mouth was like none we had heard before.  she turned around and said "sorry, im half lit," and turned back around.  we totally lost it.  then her friend came stumblin' up from the bathroom and said "i can believe i lost it.  she made is special for me and i lost it."  then she look at amanda, dietz, and i and gave us the whole story.  i didnt follow it very well, but from what i could gather she signed up for some sort of sweepstakes or contest and susan, the woman who gave her the form and helped her sign her life away, made her a flower out of wire.  i found this interesting and took it as a sign from god to use this kind soul as a form of entertainment and way to pass the time in the line for booze. 

 

"i cant believe you lost it.  that really sucks."

"i know.  she made it special for me it was real pretty and i hung it on my damn sunglasses and it fell off."

"you should get another.  thats an important thing."

"i know.  it was so pretty.  she made it special for me.  if i see some bitch wearing it im gonna tell em its mine, dammit."

"i bet susan would make you another.  you should ask her.  she's really nice."

"im gonna tell her someone stole it."

and our friend headed off to find a new jewel to make her feel special.  after the entertainment was thru there was no reason to stand in the franklin road on a sunday traffic jam of a beer line so we headed on a quest for a shorter beer line.  bidding our "half lit" friend goodbye we headed off.  on our quest we passed the lost jewel girl and heard her do the right thing.  "please susan, can you make me another?  it was so pretty and special and i lost it."  she's going to heaven me's thinks.  after we found our booze we headed back to our seats.  we sat in peace and continued to be catty and judgmental for a time.  it was nice.  we saw old ryan a few times, lots of tragic outfits and haircuts, and quite a few memaws and pepaws wandering around with nachos and hotdogs on a stick.  "oh, there goes our new friends," i said.  amanda chuckled, "i hope they come sit next to me.  i like em."  i couldnt even formulate response before there they were, sittin right next to amanda.  they stayed for a while but lost interest.  i like drunk people.  you dont have to worry about keeping them entertained.